Friday, December 14, 2007

I am more afraid of AmSec than I am of a theft

These little white AmSec security cars are always driving in and out of the cul-de-sacs in my neighborhood, "patrolling" to prevent crime. Or something like that. I cannot even conceive the need for such a service when we already live in the nicest part of the #1 Safest City in the Universe, Simi Valley. I know we all learned in like Suburbia 101 that whitey in the suburb is afraid of some colored folks stealing his freshly mowed lawn or his picket fence or his children inside...

But do we really need to add to the laundry list of ways that this neighborhood screams upper middle class!? Let me list them:
  • rustic neighborhood names like "Autumn Ridge" and "Sycamore Heights" and then super special names for the more expensive box mansions neighborhoods, i.e. "Legacy Estates"
  • a golf course! and a country club with "PRIVATE" written on the entrance gate
  • windy streets, their windiness perfectly planned I'm sure, to give you that "driving in the country" feeling
  • if you live somewhere like "Legacy Estates," gates and gatekeepers in uniforms
  • a very effective and worthwhile "Homeowner's Association" which doles out money to AmSec and matching aluminum fences (that are technically illegal because the bars are so easy to bend that they don't prevent small children from breaking into backyards with pools and drowning) and color consultants who ensure that all homes are earth-tone

I can thank the Homeowner's Association for, among other things, the drab color of my parents home, which actually had to be repainted after we (gasp!) painted it blue. I can also thank the H. Ass. for the recent investment shift away from green technologies and towards defense contractors and private alarm systems. Sweet guys. Lets pay some people to drive around all day and all night on wastefully windy roads.

Wood Ranch, Simi Valley - this is where I live.

Could we get security dudes on bikes? I would take that job.

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