3 Morning Pages

Lately, it feels difficult to keep up with life. I injured my left arm somewhat seriously and have not been able to bike for the last seven weeks. Being deprived of what was my primary mode of transportation really put a damper on things, and put me in a funk that I'm just starting to shake off. Non-essential activities like writing for this blog have fallen by the wayside.

But I'm back! And here, in lieu of many half-conceived posts about the 2009 LA Bicycle Summit or modal equity or alternatives to capitalism or my revelations about the power of saying Hello or a million other topics that have run through my mind since January, are three morning pages that roughly encapsulate the form and content of my current life.

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4/16/2009

Whoa, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Had a headache from all those oreos and falling asleep dehydrated the night before. Checked the calendar, and had to reschedule my PT appointment because it was 9:30 and I would run at least 30 minutes late. C was not happy about being rushed and having a lot of work in front of her. We got there on time, but I was pretty out of it the whole ride. Then when she dropped me off, I forgot my running shoes. I had been all ready to turn around this shitty day by banging out that 9 mile run, but it's now pretty impossible with my shoes on the passenger seat and all. OK. New plan. Do morning pages (not a bad fate), text C that my shoes are in her car, read Clarice's friend's book, text C that my memoir class files are starred in gmail and ask if she has a chance to print them out, have lunch, bike to PT (need to get locks ready beforehand), coast back, go for run (2 - 3:30), come back and have plenty of time to call my mom and arrange ride for tomorrow, eat, read Clarice's book, stretch, maybe even do yoga, then ride the metro to class (need to get on at 6 and not be late this time). Have class, go home, the end.

Dillon's friends are talking in the living room. They are waking up, having a civil argument about who is going to drive who where. This guy does not want to wake up. I think it's the same guy who made me feel really icky yesterday with his comments on how all people are selfish and the media is "75% liberal." I was really thrown off by the things he said, didn't know how to respond to them but felt obligated to. He said "meat-eating" Americans would abuse a single-payer universal healthcare system. He kept interrupting me. He said that we are evolved to be selfish and greedy and communism will never work. I wanted to make a critique of global economic capitalism, and I managed to say that it has produced enormous inequality. But I didn't get to say that it's predatory and unfair. I made the point that the media supports the state. Dillon said that he sees a lot of trendy talk about causes but not a lot of people taking action to help the homeless around them. I tried to respond to him and say that I would be down to take action on local, local problems anytime. I am all about the local. This was also meant as a response to Billy's idea that people in college are idealistic but when it comes to taking care of themselves after college, those ideals take a backseat.

Anyway, as you can see the whole conversation stuck with me. Mainly because the chaotic force of Billy disrupted any sense I was making of it. It stunned me all night, left me with the question (which only Caroline Heldman might be able to answer): how can one speak to a person like that, already so convinced of his worldview and willing to be pushy and loud in espousing it? I want to blog about it. I also want to keep taking more actions, with my roommates, my neighbors in the apartment, the CRA-LA advisory committee meetings for rebuilding my neighborhood. It's been a theme of my life for quite some time now that I want to prove wrong all those people (my dad, guys like Billy) who claim that nobody really cares and anyway the actions of one person don't matter. That's not true. I'll be biking and saying hi and protecting pedestrians and eating vegan and monitoring local government. And working on attending the CRA meetings and talking more to my neighbors.

We mentioned that laziness, imperfection can hold us back (Dillon and I did). So it's important that I take care of my health, spiritually through friendships, family, and AA, physically by exercising, doing my PT, and eating well (no oreos all night!) and materially by taking care of money matters and trying not to be so stressed about that. I want to participate more, I've been feeling kind of removed and lazy the past week. Even though I got a lot of recruiting done yesterday, it still felt like staying inside, overeating, and being on the computer. Not good.

Let today unfold and let me be a part of the unfolding. (This is a prayer that I say every day). May I realized that life involves many people, places and things I don't control. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better serve others. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to the power of powerlessness as a way of life. May I be humble and compassionate always, and may all beings be free from suffering.

Elaine hasn't called me back in a long time. Maybe she knows that I've been kind of stagnating. Maybe she is going through something. I hope she's OK.